The emptiness

As I grew older I knew the inevitable will come by, the increasing level of difficulty in life. As I had braced myself for this since I stepped out of high school, I was not really prepared to embrace one of the consequences of the situation. This thing is called "depression".

When I was doing my GP, everyday were full day, get up really early in the morning, get the bus, arrived at the clinic 1 hour later, then take the bus again in the afternoon, have some of "my" time between 6-12pm the go straight to sleep. At this time, the new students are coming, the club wants me to help them, the house need some shopping, the letters need to be send.

Almost everyday, when I was in the bus, my mind suddenly felt worried about things that unclear. I felt like I was alone in a bus packed with schoolchildren. My heart beating so fast I felt like drowning. My chest felt tired. My ear heard nothing. I felt so lonely. I felt there was nobody there that could can help me.

The only thing that keeps me happy is my laptop. I can watch tv, sports, playing computer game, look at pictures of my family and friends, or occasionally writing some blog that did not even make sense. Why am I still here? Whats wrong with me?

The Mind of the Demented Elderly

One of a very interesting experience when I was doing Geriatrics in Ulster Hospital is to met a woman who were put on the Care of the Dying pathway only to be taken of it 10 days later because of improving conditions. For your information, in UK the Care of Dying pathway is a specialised system to reduce sufferings by taking off unnecessary medications or procedures and aims to make the patient as comfort as possible by sedations.

This women was put on the pathway when she developed bronchopneumonia (chest infection) due to immobility. Her level of consciousness deteriorated and at one time she only responds to voice stimuli. Other than that, she also suffered from dementia, but was very fortunate to have a loving and caring son who always there for her in the ward. He even helped to administer medications to her at lunchtime.

One day I managed to have a chat with her son. He expresses how he disagreed when the doctor decide to put his mom on the pathway because he would want maximum treatments for her. He even coined the term "backdoor to euthanasia" about the pathway. Nevertheless, the most exciting part of the conversation was when his mom suffered from dementia, she started mention his mom start to talk about things he never even heard before. Something about her mom childhood and upbringing. Being very graceful, he said that maybe when someone is at the very end, they would return to the beginning again.

I liked this part because it brings my mind back to my late grandmom who passed away about 6 years ago. She did suffer from dementia. I clearly remember how she would sit next to us and ask the same question over and over and over.... and over again. But one day she suddenly ask us to bring her back home, to some place called "Tebok Mendeleng" which even my dad never heard about it (Tebok is like street or avenue in Malay, while Mendeleng is one of the diverse Malay ethnic subdivision). She mentioned how she used to live there, her siblings, her strict dad, and even her neighbours. Me and my dad actually scoured the whole Sabak Bernam district and Southern Perak to no avail. Until now, it still remains a mystery for us about where is Tebok Mendeleng. Whether it's real or not, only God knows better.

Other than all the negatives of dementia, this experience really feels like being on a time machine. It feels like my "teenage" grandmom had been transported from the 1930s straight to the new millenium. Gosh how I wish she still be here talking to us more about Tebok Mendeleng. And gosh, I never realised how much I actually missed her.....

ps: for muslims around the world, please donate your Al-Fatihah for my beloved grandmother. Al-Fatihah...

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'uun
(We are all originated from Allah, and to Him we are going to return)

The Riches-Poors Gap

In a capitalist country, one of the main social problems is the gap between the riches and the poors. Why this problem occured? This is because everybody can manage their own business and assets without any intervention from the ruling government. What are the government's method to combat this problem? By imposing tax to the riches? Believe me, the government NEVER really did anything to achieve zero gap between the riches and the poors.

First thing first, what are taxes? Tax is the main income for any government in the world. Since government's job is basically "governing", the only way to get fund is to extract some amount of money in any transactions happening in their governing area. Let say in United Kingdom, they have 15% VAT (value-added tax) in every single thing sold in UK. This means if you buy a NEXT Jacket for 100 pound, 15 pound will go to Gordon Brown's pocket.

In Malaysia, we have what we called cukai pintu (door tax), cukai tanah (land tax), and cukai pendapatan (income tax). Lets focus our discussion on income tax. According to my shallow knowledge of taxes, Malaysian government impose income tax percentage according to a person/company annual income. In theory, The lower income you get, the less tax percentage you have to pay. And this applies vice versa. So in theory, the riches should remains where they are and the poors will have a better life.

But there are problems with taxes. First of all, taxes are payments, which means everybody will experience reduction in their income due to tax. This means the poors will still become slightly poor because of tax (I know some countries have tax relief for poors, but for the sake of argument lets assume all people are taxed). Secondly, taxes are political propagandas. The governments are formed by political parties which have their own interests. Since the economies are spurred by big companies who can provide jobs, they tend to have some influence towards getting tax relief from the government as an incentive to invest in the country. They also manipulate taxes to gain more support from the people.

The consequences? If you poor, you will get low tax. When you climb the ladder income, the taxes will become unbearably high making you life stagnant. But once you manage to go to the next "level", ie become involved in politics, getting contract from big company, have good relationship with a politician, or just marry a girl whose dad is the Prime Minister of Malaysia, you'll easily get lower taxes and become unbelievably richer then ever. Thus, in a capitalist country, the government actually tries to reduce the gap between the MIDDLE class with the POORS, not the RICHES and the POORS.

So what is the alternative of tax? Well as a Muslim, I would like to propose the implementation of Zakat. Zakat is an Islamic system of tax, but instead of serving the interest of government, it has a social-centred purpose. Instead of everybody have to pay, the riches are the one who have to pay their due, and the poors will actually receives some money. Since Zakat is a religious obligation, no big company or rich person will be exempted from their duty. More importantly, nobody will have any say or can influence how much they have to pay their zakat. Thus the riches is slighly less rich now, but the poor is actually richer. Isn't that good?

A lot of people said Islam is outdated. But hey, this zakat has been practiced to perfection by Umar ibn Abdul Aziz during the Umayyad Caliphates. And our government never actually give zakat a chance. Maybe when they finally do they realised how effective the system that has been constructed by our creator Himself?

October already? Gosh its been awhile...

Have not been writing alot since last March. Probably getting too occupied preparing for the 3rd year examination. To be honest I did nearly failed my exam last summer. We had got the 3rd year DVD since August 2008, but I left it untouched until about 10 days before the first paper around end of June 2009. Studying alone in Sycamore 07, Elms Village also did more harm than helping. I was very depressed and had some breakdown episodes before the exam.

Going back to Malaysia in mid July, I was relieved to be back home to my family. But the exam was so bad that the anxiety lingered around about 3 weeks until the results finally came out. Guess what, I am so damn lucky... yet again!!! The result is not as bad as expected, but I managed to squeeze through. Alhamdulillah. The only bad thing about passing exams are it make you feels much better than you really are, so in my case, it made me stay away from my medicine books for whole summer :)

Coming back to Belfast around August, the Ramadhan had started. Good news though, that mmy younger brother, Helmi finally finished his International Baccalaureate diploma and managed to get into Royal College of Surgeon (RSCI) in Dublin, which is just 2 and a half hour away from Belfast. The freshies arrival couldn't be more exciting because we got 14 new boys this year compared to just 5 the year before.

Starting 4th year medicine was fantastic. This time around, I was very determined not to repeat my mistakes I did last year, so it turned out to be very pleasing indeed. I started Oncology, which are just lectures. Then I started General Practice. Although feels quite intimidated before, it finally turns out to be the most valuable experience I ever had. For the first time in 4 years studying medicine, I finally do feels like a doctor. Probably I would love to go into this specialty when I finished in 2 years... Insya-Allah.

I've gotten out of the hall last July, now living in 75 Tates Avenue with Shuaib and Am. We like this house because it is very spacious, fully carpeted except the kitchen and toilet. Am bought Xbox 360 with Guitar Hero console last week, and we've been playing it like crazy. At least we've got students living next door, hopefully they do not mind we making some noise late night.

Gosh, I'm so rusty at writing. Cannot think of a better thought to write about. I also had missed a lot of current issues in Malaysia since the death of Teo Beng Hock. Had to catch up with them very soon or I would not be able to produce my own thought about them. Can't wait to start get going again. Or maybe this is just a rebound thing since my Facebook account was disabled last Sunday because it was compromised? Sigh~

Street demonstrations

Yesterday a mass demonstration was held in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to protest against the PPSMI (Teaching and Learning in English) policy. What makes me sad is the crowd trouble that happened afterward prompted the Federal Reserves Unit (FRU) to fire tear gas and apprehend 8 demonstrators. PPSMI is an education issue, why should they protest in the street?

Lately there had been a lot of demonstration taking place in Malaysia. Since Anwar was sacked from the office in 1999, street demonstration had become a norm. At that time almost every saturday people will gather around Kampung Baru to and start shouting "Reformasi". I once joined one of those demo, and quickly learnt why young people love them.

Young people are hot-blooded, thrill-seeking, idealistic, short-minded, love to break rules, enthusiastic, and always believe that they can change the world. Not to be pessimistic, but to all of those guys I have to urge them to grow up. You haven't seen a lot in your live yet, and you are risking them all by participating in a street demonstration which makes you vulnerable to the police and tainted your criminal record forever. Especially when it is about an education policy such as PPSMI, where's your conscience?

I am a young man, I also have a lot in common with other youth in Malaysia. But I have lived in two eras. Firstly when our economy was one of the economic tiger of Asia around 1990s. This period of prosperity had seen our country became one of the developing country under the guidance of Tun Mahathir Mohamad. Petronas Twin Tower that has become our unique landmark was built. The other sucessful megaprojects were done such as North-South Expressway, Multimedia Super Corridor, the planned-city of Putrajaya, and Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Ringgit was 2.50 to 1USD.

Then came the post-Anwar time. At this moment the country had lost a lot of ground in economy, drifted further from our developed neighbour Singapore. Street demonstrations was everywhere. Ringgit now is 3.70 to 1USD. The opposition had gained a lot of ground against the National Front (BN). I thought this had triggered higher level of politiking where the ministers had to be concern more on his political situation rather than doing his job to develop Malaysia.

This tug-of-war has to be over very soon. People have to stop demonstrating. The MP have to stop arguing about each other differences and start doing their actualy job. We need an influential leader who can sort out all of these madness and bring the country forward. Can Najib do it? I'm not sure, he has to prove to us first. At the moment, I can only pray for the best for my beloved country, Malaysia.

Bye bye bicycle...

Today is one of the worst day in my life since moving to Belfast. My GBP140 bike was stolen without any trace, even the lock was gone. I always knew this would happen one day since I bought that bicycle, and to be honest I should be grateful because this is the first time it happens to me. My other friends got his bike stolen more than once. Some of them got to use their bicycle less than 6 months after they purchased them. I got to use mine for nearly 16 months, and I did cycled as far as Lisburn which is 10 miles away from Belfast.

Still, today cannot ever matched the day my room was broken into and cost me my wallet full of cash and my new N73 Nokia phone. That day was worse than today. Thus, after wandering around looking for that bike with small kitchen knife for 1 hour, I finally gave up and accepted that it was gone. I did not feel sad right now. I feels grateful since it's been awhile since the last time Allah tested me. For sure I will do my best to pass with flying colour right now! :)

Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... Takbir!!!

Between Agama, Bangsa, and Negara

Agama means religion, bangsa means race, and negara means nation. In western countries, the politics they involves tends to revolves around nationhood. We could see how Democrats and Republicans catfighting over how to make America a better place to live. In United Kingdom, we could see Conservatives and Labours arguing about the best way to spend taxpayer money with Liberal Democrats hoping to capitalise on any mistakes. In hostile places like Northern Ireland, the politics revolves around religions, where the Unionists who are mainly Protestants wants to stay independent while Nationalists who are Catholics wants merger with Republic of Ireland.

In my country, there is one motto which sounds more of less like this,
"Berbakti untuk agama, bangsa, dan negara"
"Contributes for our race, religion and nation"
This motto, however is subject to a lot of discussions and arguments. Peoples argue which one comes first. Some feels that we should put our race first. This maybe less relevant over here since almost all of the residents are caucasian. In my country, we got Malay, Chinese and Indian living together. Some said we should put nation first since we are a very small and vulnerable country which is not even at par with our developed neighbour, Singapore. Some argues that religion must be put first, and it is also relevant over there since we got Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and Christians living together in Malaysia.

Major political parties in Malaysia basically picks one of those aspects and make them their ultimate goal. To write about all of them would be impossible since I do not know very much about all of the political parties. But since I am a Malay, a muslim and a Malaysian, I will talk about the political parties that a person like me could pick up to join later in my life. I think there are 4 choices for me, DAP, PKR, UMNO and PAS. Although AKIM is also available, joining them would be like watching an accident waiting to happen. This applies for everybody in Malaysia alright :P

Lets start with nationhood. When a political party puts nationhood as their ultimate goal, their aspiration would be to see a prosperous Malaysia which could stand on its own feet and well respected among other countries. Economics will be the main agenda, and productivity of their citizens would be made a priority. They will spend a lot in education to increase their labour supply. In other way, they also provide substantial fund for security forces. They will stress on the history of the creation of Malaysia, how every race combined and worked hard together to gain independence from colonial British. All of its citizen will be treated equally. Religion is considered something in the past so the government will be secular in nature. Thus, Democratic Action Party (DAP) and National Justice Party (PKR) are the parties that a man like me could join if I decided to contribute for my nation.

Then, some political parties puts race as their ultimate goal, lets say the Malays. Their aspiration is to see that Malays will stand at par with other races in the country and also around the world. As the Malays is the native of Malaysia, a Malay political party would make sure that Malay people will remains the ruler of the country forever. Thus security forces will be recruited mostly among the Malay. Economics policies which would benefit the Malays more in the future will be taken. Productivity is not the main issue as reducing unemployment among the Malay would be the main priority. In other words, Malay agenda is the national agenda. They would stress about the history of our ancestor, our glorious Malacca government, how our kings were cruelly dethroned by colonial British, how they enslaved our previous generation, how our ancestor finally fight back and regains independence. The Malays will have special status and subject to special benefits. In this case, I'm going to join United Malay National Organisation (UMNO).

Finally, one political party puts religion as the first thing to contributes. Their vision is to see Malaysia as a glorious Islamic Nation. They will have the same vision with the nationhood oriented people, but Islamic priciples will be applied in every aspect of the government. Islamic laws will be applied to the courts, Islamic teaching will be applied to the schools. They will stress about the history of the prophet Muhammad SAW, Khulafa-ur-Rashidin, The caliphates, the fall of the last caliphates in Turks, and the importance of regaining the glorious status of Islamic nationhood.They will treat all muslims equally. Non-muslims will have special status where they can practise their own religion, live their own lives but has to follow basic civil rules and regulation when outside their houses. In this case, Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party (PAS) would be my choice.

So make up your mind. I knew a lot of people around my age never interested in the politics. They think that a normal person whould not be involves with politics. From my explanations above, you can see how politics can shape the future of our country, our society and our life. So if you're not interested in politics, I could say that you never care about your country, your society, or even your own future. What do you think?